I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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