She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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