Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
BRING THE BAGELS
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think my moral compass just broke
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
