I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
