watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
