I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
