I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
