just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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