just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
