I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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