So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
