He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
