i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
