I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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