Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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