when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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