after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
