If i could tip my vagina, i would.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
