Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
