i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize