I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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