i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
