I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
