I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
