i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
