she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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