He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
