I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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