So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
God I need to hump something, right now.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize