The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
