My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
