i permit you to call me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
