He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
