What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
