Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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