He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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