life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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