Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
