So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
