I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
