remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
