his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
