3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize