Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
