Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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