Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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