Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
