i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
