I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize