you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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