so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
