Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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