dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
