he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize