my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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