Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize