my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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