end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
oh god the rape fog is back!
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
