I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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