Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize