I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
