I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
