Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
